Fat Free Mind

Often when I work with people, they share a similar story:  Their lives are super-stressed, they have a ton of responsibilities, they have ongoing hardship or heartbreak of some kind, and they have no control over what’s happening to them in their lives. They say, in their experience, the harder they push for what they want, the harder life pushes back.

They also tell me they don’t have time for themselves or their dreams.

I get that. I understand what it’s like to be overwhelmed with life, to feel a dream dying, to try hard and feel like a failure.

I also understand what it’s like to put my dreams aside for others. That describes the first 44 years of my life. But then I had weight loss surgery.

It wasn’t the surgery itself that fulfilled my dreams. It was the complete transformation in my thinking, feeling, believing, and behaving that happened after my surgery - when I began to regain and realized I didn’t want to go back to my old life.

I made a conscious decision to learn how to view myself and the world in a new light - a conscious decision to change everything about myself that was blocking me from fulfilling my dreams.

Let me emphasize that I said, change everything about myself, not change the world.

I’m here to tell you life doesn’t have to be unfulfilling. You can find a way to care for yourself despite your circumstances. You can find a way to be at peace in any storm. You can find joy in life. You can move toward your dreams, knowing that moving toward them will be a journey that takes time and effort, courage and determination.

For me, the journey to fulfilling my dreams has been - and continues to be - worth every step, no matter how frightening, confusing, or frustrating. No matter how lonely at times.

The key was to accept that the journey would require me to do something different, to take a different path.

Many people are afraid of different. We don’t like not knowing what to expect. We don’t like being vulnerable. We don’t like overwhelming uncertainty. We find change uncomfortable, even when it’s good change.

“I just can’t do that,” is one of the most common responses I hear from people who are struggling in life. “I am too busy… responsible… scared… wounded… sick… stuck… overwhelmed… weak… incapable… burdened… indispensible… fragile.

Wouldn’t it be great to shed those false beliefs? The beliefs that are holding you back from living a more peaceful and empowering life? The beliefs that tell you it’s not possible to overcome your limitations?

In the movie Facing the Giants an assistant coach says to a field-goal kicker, “You gonna have to choose the narrow way. Cause that’s the only path where you gonna get your reward.”

The narrow way in my world has to do with making each and every choice a choice that will move me forward toward my deepest desires.

It is a narrow path. But not so narrow that we can’t walk side by side with others who share our dreams.

It’s time to move beyond our self-imposed limitations. We can find ways to move forward despite the obstacles in our way.

Please know you are not defeated. You are not hopeless or helpless. You are not so used up or so beaten down that you cannot overcome your discouragement and find fulfillment.

You can do something different, one step at a time, to move toward your dreams.

You are precious, you are worth the effort, and yes, even for you and me - it’s POSSIBLE.

You are cordially invited to walk a different path with me in 2012!

With fierce determination (and some laughter along the way),

Katie

P.S. One of the reasons I founded the National Association for Weight Loss Surgery is to support people who want to thrive after weight loss surgery. So, if you are struggling, or fear weight regain, do something different — reach out and get enough of the right kind of support.

Have you heard the Aesop’s fable about the dog and his shadow? In the story, a hungry dog manages to get a morsel of meat. Thrilled with his acquisition, the dog decides to take it back to his den where he can devour it in peace.

As he hurries home, the dog dashes across a plank lying over a brook, but as he’s moving across, he sees his shadow reflected in the water. Unfortunately, he mistakes his shadow for another mutt carrying more meat. He wants that other dog’s meat! After all, he reasons, if some is good, more will be better.

He snaps at the water and in doing so, drops the meat from his mouth. His coveted meal sinks into the water, never to be seen again.

The moral of this fable is, beware that you don’t lose your true desire by grasping at its shadow.

Will You Grasp at Shadows in 2012?

Have you noticed that most of us who have had weight loss surgery select a goal weight? Maybe it’s the weight we were in college, or when we got married, or the amount our surgeon says we should weigh.

No matter how that number gets into our heads, we decide we won’t be happy, can’t be happy, until we reach that number.

In the early days after the surgery, most of us are losing weight and we’re thrilled. We are moving toward our goal of reaching a certain weight (or a certain pants size). And we believe that happiness is within reach. One woman I spoke with said, “When I had the surgery, I felt hope for the first time in many, many years.”

But the hope can fade and things can get confusing. As our weight loss slows down, many of us see our health issues resolved, and yet we’re dissatisfied, and even ashamed, because we are not at “goal.”

So, instead of enjoying the good health, the mobility, and the opportunity to be fully physically engaged in life, we beat ourselves up and continue to grasp at our goal weight.

I invite you to consider this:  Sometimes our true desires do not reside on the scale (despite what we tell ourselves) - sometimes our goals are shadows.

Will You Claim Your True Desire?

If I’m being honest, I really don’t care what the scale says. What I truly desire are health, love, acceptance, confidence, compassion, joy, fortitude, laughter, forgiveness, empowerment, peace ….

I could go on, but you probably get my point.

In nature, God didn’t make scales on which to weigh ourselves. We were not designed to be happy only if we weight 140 pounds, or whatever our “shadow number” is.

There are ways to achieve your deeper desires regardless of what the scale says.

The Worst Mistake Is Linking Your Happiness (and Self Worth) to Your Weight

I know; this is WLS heresy. At support groups people celebrate weight loss and feel ashamed when it doesn’t happen. We envy those who reach goal and feel less worthy of love and respect when we don’t. We grasp at the shadow of success and don’t realize we hold it in our hands.

Self worth and happiness are choices we make. They happen when we focus on things other than our shadows - other than our weight, our saddle bags, or our loose skin. They happen when we become fully engaged in life and when we accept that our human imperfections are what make us interesting, approachable, and, well, human.

We are not the worst or the best. We are not our weight. We are worthy as we are. We can find self worth and happiness one moment at a time, if we will only see that it’s already in our grasp.

Katie's Cat, Lucy

The story is about a bunch of mice who are tired of being terrorized by a vicious cat.

They decide that the best way to deal with their problem is to put a bell around the cat’s neck, so they can hear it coming and run away.

They are thrilled with their idea until one of the mice asks, “But who will put the bell around the cat’s neck?”

Lots of suggestions sound good, until it’s time to actually do them.

You might read WLS articles and think some of the ideas about how to improve your WLS program are pretty good. You might even want to try some of the ideas, but then the time comes and you realize you are not going to try them.

You realize “the cat” (the scary thing you know you should do) is too big, and besides you don’t have the strength and courage to put that bell on him.

Why is it so hard to do what needs to be done?

So many WLS patients want desperately to do well. We don’t want to be obese anymore, or suffer the shame and self loathing that come with this disease.

But we also have a very hard time doing what we know will help us. This is because we are in a comfort zone that we don’t want to leave.

Any change is scary. Even good change.

So, instead of taking the risk of making a change that will help us in the long run, we focus on how hard or scary or uncomfortable it is in the short run.

Or we don’t think about the change at all, and accept what is — even with all its horrors.

Leaving your comfort zone is worth the effort.

While it’s uncomfortable stepping out of your comfort zone to “bell your cat,” ultimately, it will be a wonderful gift you’ve given yourself.

To get out of your comfort zone, and get a handle on your big, furry problem, you can do several things:

1)  Visualize “belling the cat.” By going over the change you want to make in your mind, you can prepare yourself for real-life change. Athletes visualize their competitions and improve their performance. You can apply this tool to your own challenges.

2)  Role play. If you need to set limits with someone (like asking someone to hide from your view the candy they have been keeping on their desk) and you are uncomfortable doing that, practice by role playing. Find a safe person — a therapist, a coach, a minister, or a friend, who can help you work through what you want to say and how you want to say it.

3)  Practice by getting out of your comfort zone in small ways, before you make big changes. For example, make a few small changes in your eating behavior, like asking for the salad dressing on the side or measuring your carbs at mealtime.

4)  Get enough sleep. Honestly, everything is much more difficult if you’re tired. This is one of the biggest problems people have, and the most underestimated in its impact on your life.

5)  Reach out. Obesity and eating compulsively are such sources of shame for people, it’s easy to isolate yourself and feel alone in your struggle. But, the people most likely to get out of their comfort zone and overcome their eating problem find some person or group to lean on for support. NAWLS is a great place for WLS patients to find emotional support.

One of my son’s favorite exchanges in An American Tale, the animated movie about mice who triumph over cats, is when the mouse leader yells, “Are we men or are we mice?”

The crowd of mice yells back: “We’re mice and proud of it!”

But you, my friend, are not a mouse. Don’t let the big cat scare you so much you don’t get out of your comfort zone.

Get out there and “bell your cat!”

We can all get caught up in the winter blues from time to time with the short days, cold weather, and dark evenings. It’s only winter, though, and like it or not, Mr. Winter is going to return every year (and with a vengence it seems). So, what are we going to do about it? We can’t allow ourselves to fall of the horse just because it’s cold outside. Here are some tips for fighting the winter blues:

1. Stay Motivated!

Fall turns to winter, and out goes our motivation. The best way to stay motivated is to reward yourself for getting up, taking action, and sticking to plan. Write out your short-term and long-term goals, and then decide how you will reward yourself each time you make it to goal.

(One of my goals is to workout at least three to five times a week; my reward for doing this is buying a new workout DVD that I can do in the comfort of my home on those cold winter mornings.)

2. Exercise!

We all know it can be difficult to get moving on those cold winter mornings. The first reaction to an early alarm clock going off is “snooze” — but stick to your guns! Get up and release those feel good endorphins (natural stress and pain fighers). It’s your best bet at beating the winter blues.

(And hey, that winter breeze can be just as effective as coffee at waking you up!)

3. Explore!

Why not try some new adventures this winter? Don’t let the cold force you inside. There are plenty of fun, adventurous winter activities to keep you warm, fit, and knock out those winter blues. Why not try ice skating, snowboarding, snowshoeing, hiking, or even skiing? You can even make it a fun family affair!

Bottom line — if you don’t want to fall victim to the winter blues, you’ve got to get moving. Try something new, try something fun, just try something!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Fourth of July! I sure did. I spent my holiday weekend relaxing and recuperating from two weeks of travel.

I had the great fortune, a few weeks ago, to speak at the national conference for the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery on one of my favorite topics, The WLS Stages of Transformation. The final stage is FREEDOM!

With WLS comes a journey–a journey of trials, tribulations, setbacks, and great achievements. Our country and forefathers experienced a similar journey. Becoming an independent country and gaining freedom didn’t automatically make the United States “free,” but it was the initial step and day-to-day struggle that gave us small glimpses of freedom. Those glimpses of freedom are what kept our country going, and it’s the same reason why there are troops fighting for us today.

On a daily basis, WLS patients struggle with different emotions, overcoming old habits, and moving forward with their new lifestyle. Ultimately, what we are all trying to get to is that freedom.

Today, I mark July 13, 2004 (the day of my surgery) as my WLS Independence Day.

No matter if I get off track, my WLS Independence Day will remind me of the freedom I so much long for, and gives me a day to be thankful for my freedom from obesity.

I am free to walk. I am free to travel. I am free to enjoy time with my husband and son. I am free from obesity. I am free!

What have you been freed from since your WLS Independence Day?

I have been practicing being kind to myself recently, because I often put others first in my life — to excess. So, one evening I was feeling down and blah, and felt guilty because I didn’t want to make dinner or help my son with homework.

My husband works hard and commutes a shockingly long distance each day, so I felt guilty asking him for help. But on that day, I called my husband and asked him if he’d make dinner for us when he got home and help my son with his homework.

He asked, “Are you sick?” And I told him I just felt yucky emotionally, but felt I needed to take a “sick day” that evening.

He suggested I put on my PJs and get into bed. Not to pretend I’m sick, but to be kind to myself and give myself a break. So, I found a novel on my book shelf, got into bed, and stayed there until that evening when my husband announced dinner was ready. My son even brought me tea in bed.

They really got into it! I think they were happy to see me admit I felt bad and to take care of myself. Also, me being in bed in my PJs when each of them arrived home was a novelty — which I think cracked them up. (I feel so loved when they share a good-natured laugh about me.)

I know not all families are like that, but I gave them a chance to take care of me for a change and they stepped up to the plate.

Maybe the fact that I was honest about how I was feeling made a difference. I don’t know. I don’t take serious “me time” often, so when I do it, they know I really feel bad.

Even if they didn’t agree with my decision, it would have been perfectly okay to “let them down” and take care of myself. They are not helpless, after all.

Have you asked your family to help you take a night off? Make it fun for them, if possible. You will be teaching them how to take care of you, and modeling how to take care of themselves.

If this doens’t make sense for you, is there something else you can do to put some boundaries around your “me time?”

I love this optimistic quote from Lewis Carroll: “Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

Carroll’s imagination brought him ideas that were creative, exciting, daring, and risky - and his heart allowed him to believe the impossible.

As a weight loss surgery patient, you may not feel as optimistic as Carroll. Maybe you are worried you won’t be able to change your old ways enough to do the impossible - to lose all the excess weight and keep it off, and more than that, create a really satisfying life.

Take these three simple steps to bring about the “impossible” in your life:

1. Sort Out What You Really Want

Many people say they want to be thin, or rich, or attractive, or popular. While all these things may be true, they are not the whole of your wants.

As countless unhappy models, movie stars, and millionaires have demonstrated, being any of these things is not a guarantee of contentment and joy.

Set a timer for five minutes and write down in a journal, “I want ….” Start listing what you want, but don’t stop for the whole five minutes. After awhile you’ll be amazed at what comes out of you. Wanting to be thin, etc., has a deeper want attached to it. Discover what that want is.

2. Clear Your Mind

Being too busy is a way of telling yourself you are not worth making time for. It’s a subtle form of self sabotage.

Meditating is a surprisingly easy way to take time for yourself, and it is an activity from which you can reap great rewards, but only if you do it.

There are many books written about meditation, but you can keep it simple. Just sit quietly for five minutes, close your eyes, and focus on breathing deeply, four counts in and four counts out. In and out.

3. Visualize and Feel Your Ideal Future

As hard as it is to believe, you can achieve a goal by taking time each day to focus on the experience of having achieved your goal.

Each time you visualize yourself experiencing the achievement of your goal, allow yourself to feel the feelings associated with achieving the goal.

Feel how great it is reap the rewards. By sitting quietly, visualizing, and feeling the change, you can create the change.

For those of you who think and feel this is “psychobabble,” you’re right. And for those of you who think and feel these steps will change your life, you’re right!

Your Assignment:

This week, go through this three-step process daily. While it may sound like a lot of work, you’ll find it only takes about fifteen minutes a day to execute them. And you’ll be amazed at the results. Let me know how you do!

The perfect storm for weight loss surgery people!

“It’s a chocolate martini!” the woman slurred at me with a friendly grin on her face.

She was holding out a chilled martini glass containing a dark brown liquid. I was surprised by the interesting combination — and a little curious.

“She doesn’t drink,” my sister swooped in and took the glass. “I’m sorry, Katie,” she looked at me apologetically.

My sister is one of the few people on this planet who has seen me in the grips of alcohol addiction. It’s been nearly 25 years since I had a drink, and believe me, going back to it would be about the stupidest thing I could do.

“I’m fine, Sis!” And I was. I had no intention of trying the chocolate martini.

This minor event, though, kicked off an evening I wouldn’t want to repeat anytime soon. After, bariatric surgery, avoiding alcohol,  birthday cake, brownies, and other treats at a boisterous party is, for me, a stressful task.

Yet, I’m glad I was there for my sister’s 50th birthday party. I wanted to be there for her. In part, that’s why I chose to LIVE — that’s why I had weight loss surgery.

Ironically, I spent most of the evening talking to people about drinking and food. When I tried to change the subject, someone would join in and start talking about the chocolate martinis or the lavish desserts again.

As planned, I had my one small plate of hors d’oeuvres early in the evening. I selected the protein-based treats — a few cheese cubes, a tablespoon of the chicken/artichoke dip (no crackers), and a small slice of tender roast beef.

I’m happy with this, I thought, but by midnight, I wasn’t so happy anymore.

After a woman spilled wine in my shoe, I felt my frustration bubble up. Food. Food. Food. Alcohol. Alcohol. Alcohol. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

That’s when I adopted my “Death-by-Olives” Strategy. I decided that I wanted to eat something that felt, well, a little naughty. Not sweets, not a martini, just something I wouldn’t normally have.

I perused the buffet. I could have more beef, I thought. No, that didn’t sound very fun. And then I spied the olive tray. That’s it, I thought! I love olives.

I gave myself permission to have as many olives as I wanted. I ate 6 — three green and three black. I was happy.

I think I had about 6 more olives around 2 a.m. (I needed a break from singing with the chocolate-martini woman, who had roped me, her “new sister,” into playing the American Idol video game.) It was either play American Idol or sit on the back porch and talk politics with a group of crass, inebriated men.

When the guests were leaving, an old friend of my sister’s, who has seen me through all my challenges over the years, looked warmly at me. He slurred, “Katie, you look great.”

“Thank you,” I smiled, feeling confident and at peace with myself.

“I love talking about writing with you,” he smiled back. He has been talking to me about writing for years, but has his own personal challenges that keep him from it.

“Me, too,” I agreed.

“But mostly, I envy you,” he kissed me on the cheek and left.

As I stood there watching him wobble down the hallway, I realized avoiding chocolate martinis and birthday cake isn’t deprivation at all.

It’s freedom.

There is freedom in hot tubbing with new friends who understand.

Having attended a number of NAWLS Renewal Retreats, I can honestly say I have learned way more than I thought I would. And, I am only an outsider looking in. I haven’t had weight loss surgery. I work with Katie Jay (in sort of a trained monkey/sidekick capacity;) ), and have nevertheless been charged (I should say privileged) to help coordinate our retreats.

Before our first retreat in Ocean Isle, NC in 2008, I had visions of what it might be like. I had already been working with Katie for more than a year, and so I knew that Katie’s agenda would blow everyone away. And, it did. The piece I was missing, and have since corroborated at subsequent retreats, was the glue.

The glue?

Yes, the glue. The glue is what holds it all together. The glue was, and continues to be, this outflowing of love, compassion, and understanding that fills the room like some sort of magical potion binding the women together effortlessly, requiring no speech or action. The glue simply is.

In three short days, Katie somehow creates this aura that enables women to let down their guards, rediscover themselves after WLS, set healthy and realistic goals for their future, and laugh.

Speaking of laughing, here are some other, more lighthearted lessons I have learned from Katie Jay’s retreats:

• The phenomenon of “bat wings” is a badge of honor that weight loss surgery patients can wear proudly.  Begin by flapping them at sunrise while running from the beach into a chilly October ocean.
• Almost everyone has a “mother” story.
• Thinner people don’t float as well.
• Nobody cares how many meatballs you eat.
• Guided imagery is an opportunity to erupt into hysterical laughter.
• Bathroom humor, as only WLS patients can experience it, is binding (sorry, pun intended).
• Katie really does drink peppermint tea at bedtime every day.
• Coffee filters make great pretend surgical masks.
• Last but not least, on a serious note…You can’t put a price on hope.

If you’d like to be a part of the glue, I invite you to attend our upcoming NAWLS Renewal Retreat, Embracing the REAL You!, from April 16 – 19, 2010 in Virginia Beach, Virginia. We still have a few spots open.

I want very much to help you find peace with food and to be empowered in your WLS life. That is why I developed a new, 30-day, self-guided program. I am so excited to tell you about it!

My program is called…

Weight Loss Surgery Success for Life: 30 Days to Find Peace with Food and Hope for Your Future

I say self-guided, but I want you to know that it is research-based and extremely interactive. My intention was to design a program that felt doable, purposeful, and as though I was literally holding your hand and taking you through every step of the process.

When NAWLS member Roxanne R. previewed the program she said: “Very positive! And the underlying attitude is that you can do it; here I’ll show you how and it won’t be too hard.”

The program includes:

1. A Daily Email Reminder: Each morning, you’ll receive in your email inbox a gentle reminder about the day’s action checklist. Your email message will also contain a link to my video message for that day.

2. Katie Jay’s Daily Video Message: As I said, you’ll receive a link in your email message each day to view a special video I have recorded that will cover a topic related to achieving long- term WLS success. You’ll love these videos!

3. A Printed, Spiral-Bound Action Guide (delivered to your door): This is a 60+ page, step-by-step guide with simple checklists that will move you forward gently, but surely. You’ll undergo a process that will create breakthrough moments and revelations about how to overcome: head hunger, food cravings, negative self talk, overeating, grazing, binging, sneak-eating, and more.
 
4. Audio CD (delivered to your door): A Look into Your Best Future: So You Can See it and Live it! Want to take a look at your future? Here’s your chance. My new guided imagery CD will shed new light on the bright future awaiting you. Visualization is one of the keys to long-term success. You’ll envision a future with endless possibilities.

5. Audio CD (delivered to your door): Success Basics: Lay Your WLS Program on Bedrock, so You Can Build Your Dreams Up High You’ve probably heard the parable about the man who tries to build his house upon the sand. Obviously, it didn’t work out so great. A strong foundation is critical to lasting success with anything and everything you do. When you listen to this CD, you’ll learn what it takes to create a solid and lasting WLS foundation. 

6. Audio CD (delivered to your door): How to Move Beyond WLS Basics and Create Unshakable Success Once your foundation is strong, you’ll need to discover how to master more subtle and perplexing issues that continue to impede your efforts. This CD is designed to give you the tools you need to weather all the storms that life will throw at you.

My thought-provoking interview will change the way you think about your challenges and opportunities as you experience success on your WLS journey.

This step-by-step program is based on countless hours of research and my own rewarding journey to peace with food and gratitude for my lasting transformation.

I can honestly say that today I am free from obesity and the extreme obesity mindset I suffered for so many years. That is NOT to say that I am cured or perfect. You’ve probably heard me say that I am a work in progress, but at the same time I’ve learned the secret to lasting success and have seen the incredible results in my own life.

Through notable ups and downs, I’ve managed to maintain a 180-pound weight loss for more than five years. And that’s what real maintenance is — surviving the ups and downs, and succeeding long term.

If you are at all unsure about the path you’re on and feel like you could use some hand-holding, my new Weight Loss Surgery Success for Life program is for you.

NAWLS member Katherine also previewed the program and she said: “This looks great! Each daily quote and video title made me smile in anticipation. Having seen you in action at the retreats, I know these videos will be really meaningful. The combination of video, audio, writing work and forum support is a total package that can be incorporated in everybody’s daily life. It makes you think about goals and life changing actions without being overwhelming. Good job! Sign me up.”

My Weight Loss Surgery Success for Life program is yours for an investment of $197, but NAWLS members receive 10% off.

Click here to invest in your best future now!

Take my hand. I’ve already done the research for you and I’ll show you the way. I’ll show you how to find the peace you deserve. Join me today on this incredible journey.

Never give up!

Katie