“This kitchen is too messy for me to cook in!” I exclaimed when we got home from church yesterday at lunch time.

“Where would you like to go eat?” my husband, Mike, grinned impishly and gave me a little hug.

We went out for cheeseburgers, and I endured my usual internal dialogue, “Katie, you know better. You are never going to lose the last 5 pounds of your regain. You can’t control yourself. Mike is a bad influence.”

This morning, when I got on the scale I noted the lack of weight loss, after my weekend food choices.

“I’m doomed,” I said sarcastically to myself. But I know better.

Thankfully, I have a routine I go through each and every morning, so that when I make an unhealthy choice (or two or three) I can get out of denial and back on the path of permanent weight loss.

This morning, as I took an inventory of the past 24 hours, I focused mainly on yesterday’s lunch choice. It is clear to me I was in my frequent and frustrating “victim mode.”

Let’s take a look at my inner victim (this is embarrassing to admit):

The kitchen is messy. First of all, who made it messy? Me! (At least, in part.) Who had the power to fix that problem? Me. Is it possible to cook in a messy kitchen? Yes. Did the current status of my kitchen make it impossible for me to take care of myself? No.

Where did I choose to eat?  A “greasy spoon.” Who got to pick the restaurant? Me. Who would have been willing to go along with my desire to eat healthy and take care of my WLS needs? Mike. Who chose to ignore my needs? Me!

Who ordered and ate the cheeseburger? Me! I chose the cheeseburger. I chose to eat the bun. I could have made another choice, even at a greasy-spoon restaurant.

Who knows better? Me! I am completely aware of my options and how to handle any number of situations that make following my plan a little more challenging.

Who is capable of losing weight and maintaining a weight loss? Me.

Who can control herself? Me.

Who is a bad influence? Me! Sure, Mike doesn’t eat like a WLS patient — but that’s because HE ISN’T one. I lead us astray more often than he does!

God gave me FREE WILL. While victimization happens, in the scenario I just described I am anything but a victim!

A woman at my weight loss surgery support group shared a similar story with me recently. She and I agreed that when our “inner victim” is in charge, we are in big trouble.

If you are plagued by an inner victim, you can use a daily inventory to make note of your victim mindset (without beating yourself up), and actively work on not listening to that little voice in your head – the one that says, “I deserve this cookie; I work hard” “Everyone else is eating it,” “You make me so angry,” and one of my favorites, “You are eating something that is tempting, and I can’t resist eating it myself (later, at home, in my closet!).”

The bottom line: We can exercise our free wills anytime we want to. We are not victims!

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